Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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