This is not my ceiling
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
