Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, beer. Big fan.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
