We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
