I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
