I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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