I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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