How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
