I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
