dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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