I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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