im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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