I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
