I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...