he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.