You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
