I accidentally burped into my bong.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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