Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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