Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
