i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
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I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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