The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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