Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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