Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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