Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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