Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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