Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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