Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Non-Jews are for practice
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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