it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
