If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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