my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my liver is dry heaving
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
