its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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