I am spending my child support on dildos
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
