She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
