last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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