the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
