My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
