You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
