I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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