I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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