he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
