I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
