im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
