Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.