I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.