i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
