Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real