My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom