TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..