Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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