The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
