Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
