I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
