Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
