When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
