just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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