There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
