Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
