if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
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My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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