Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
