there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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