Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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