Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
